1) What five qualities does Roiphe identify that are
essential for a marriage. Can you think of any others?
Ans: According to Anne Roiphe, there are
qualities that are essential for a marriage to endure. These are – a)
adaptability,
b) flexibility,
c)
Genuine love
d)kindness and
e) An imagination
a)
Adaptability:
A good marriage is adaptable; it grows and molds itself to the environment and
current needs. It changes as the partners do, shifting over time and over life
transitions. It acts like the flexible caulk used to secure two surfaces
together while allowing each to move independently of the other. A good
marriage possesses a growth mindset, where both partners are motivated to learn
and believe that they can improve with effort. Growth ensures that a marriage
remains relevant and useful. Adaptability extends to the individuals. It
accepts that people change over time and with experience. In an adaptable
marriage, each partner remains curious about the other and limits assumptions
and premature conclusions.
b)
Flexibility
: Flexibility is defined in the dictionary as being “capable of
bending easily without breaking”, and “ready and able to change as to adapt to
different circumstances”. Every successful marriage involves continuing
flexibility. We need to prepare for and adapt to the many changes that will
come in our marriage. One family expert says there are five progressive cycles
in a marriage: (1) family founding, from wedding until the first child is born,
(2) childbearing, from the birth of the first child until the first child
enters school, (3) child rearing, from the first child entering school until
that child leaves home, (4) child launching, from the time the first child
leaves until the last child leaves, and (5) empty nest, when parents are alone
until the death of one of the mates. Each of these changes presents unique
challenges, especially that last stage, when our children are gone. Many people
think they don’t have to work on their marriage after their kids are grown. Yet
the empty nest stage is the time couples are most prone to divorce. Now that
the children are gone, there is very little for our two to communicate about.
As our differences become evident, it’s easy to leave. A wise couple will
recognize that there will be many changes in the marriage relationship and be
prepared for them.
c)
Genuine
love : It plays an important role to survive in a marriage.
Genuine love prevents from breaking / separation of the couple from one
another. If the bond between the couple remains intense, then they can get
relieved from any kind of obstacles.
d)
Kindness: Science
says lasting relationships come down to—you guessed it—kindness and generosity.
Kindness includes looking for the good in all the ordinary dealings with a
partner. Rather than thinking about problems and annoyances, we can dwell on
the good times and good qualities. In the gallery of our minds we can choose to
hang memories of unhappiness and gloom or we can hang pictures of peaceful,
caring times. Choosing to remember and cherish the good makes a big difference
in the quality of the relationship. It also includes actively building positive
experiences into the relationship. People with strong relationships have
learned that it is important to continue building the relationship over the
years.
e)
Imagination: It
is said that marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. The idea
of getting married, having a party, going on honeymoon, then expecting that
huge change in circumstances and outlook to somehow manage itself, are included
in the imagination of the successful couple.
Apart from these, I think there are more qualities that are
essential for a marriage to endure. These are :
i.
Friendship
: Spouses who have a strong friendship have staying power in that
they not only love each other, but genuinely like each other. They enjoy
spending time together and there is mutual respect.
ii.
Humor : Spouses
who can make each other laugh tend to be good at de-escalating conflicts when
they do arise. Couples who have the ability to lighten up a tense moment have a
big advantage in that they are able to lighten the mood quickly and possibly
derail conflict. The use of funny nicknames can be an indicator of great fondness
for one another. The names often stem from a "you had to be there"
moment from the beginning of their relationship.
iii.
Communication: As
obvious as this may seem, many couples are not very good at it. Those who are
able to openly express their feelings in an emotionally safe environment
typically deal with situations as they come up and avoid burying frustrations
which always have a way of coming out at some point.
iv.
Sexual
Intimacy : Couples who have their sexual needs met or at least
have negotiated a reasonable compromise, if their levels of need aren’t
compatible, feel taken care of by the other. Some are highly active, engaging
in lovemaking multiple times a week and others are content with far less. There
is no "right" or "wrong" here, but if one person is feeling
their needs aren’t being met it’s important to talk about it.
2)
What are
the some of the factors that have created more tension in marriage than those
of a century ago?
Ans : Marriage is a social bonding that
leads towards a family which is very essential for the survival of human being.
But marital life is not sustaining than that of previous age for many reasons.
Such as:
i.
To run after money
ii.
High expectation
iii.
Work load
iv.
Disappointment
v.
Social dilemma
vi.
Virtual Life with the help of internet
vii.
Obsession
This is the
age of globalization. Globalization not only has created many opportunities but
also has created many problems. A century ago , people did not enjoy the opportunities
than the ours. Life was simple at that time. Most of the people’s marital life
was successful and peaceful. Moreover divorce was not in extreme situation. But
now a days life has become too difficult. There is work load, high ambition,
internet obsession and many more . At present the male and female people cannot
pass much time with their husband or wife and this leads them towards
separation from one another. Virtual world not only has brought opportunities
but also has created a list of problems . Due to the availability of internet
connection people can communicate to different
people at a time. Some are coming close to opposite gender in the virtual world
which can’t be thought a century ago.
3)
Roiphe says
that divorce is so common for one chief reason. What is it? What can couples do
to evade divorce ? Can you think of some ways that she does not name?
Ans : According to Roiphe , divorce is so
common because people are not willing to lead their marital life in a
disciplined way. In marital life
self-discipline plays an important role in sustaining conjugal life. But due to globalization
different culture are getting mixed with each other and for this people can
pass their life in a joyful manner. Such as going to the parties and making
intimacy with many opposite genders and having extra marital relationship.
Moreover watching those TV program that creates the need of something new in
human life are also leading couple towards separation. According Poiphe , to evade divorce mutual
sacrifice is needed . But I think honesty is also needed to evade divorce. If a
married person becomes honest and truthful he / she can never leads to an extra
marital affairs. Thus honesty can play an important role in evading divorce.
4)
What is the
basic question that couples must resolve in order for a marriage to succeed?
Ans : The basic question is that whether
the couples will confine themselves in chains or supporting bonds. Chain acts
as like as a barrier. But in conjugal life, this chin remains in the state of
disappear. By reading famous journalist Anne Roiphe’s ‘ Why Marriages Fail’ we come to know that to
make a successful conjugal life couples must confine themselves in supporting
bonds. We know that small things make a pile. So if the couples support their
mates then this supporting will make them happy as well as will make their
marriage successful.
5)
What
advantage does a successful marriage offer a family? Consider effects on children,
education, health and others.
Ans: A successful marriage requires supporting
bond between the husband and wife. If the couples understand themselves and
help then their marriage become successful. It also has many positive effects
on their children’s health , education and other aspects. Moreover if there is
no peace in the conjugal life , then the children become mentally and
physically weak. Gradually it affects on their education as well as daily life.
So it is necessary to retain a good relationship between husband and wife for
the sake of their future generation.
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